To what extent should a woman endure abuse?
Written by Modupe George Friday, 08 July 2011
Tony (not real name) had gone to jail because of his domineering attitude and inability to manage his emotions when it comes to handling marital issues with his wife.
He was an abuser to the core, and had almost beat his first wife to the point of death when she opted out of the marriage. The greatest was still in the offing, after being released from jail, Tony was re-oriented by well-meaning friends and relatives on how important for him it was to control his anger when dealing with a woman, and as a result of this, he decided to remarry.
Later on, he met a young lady named, Margaret; one thing led to another and he was married again. All was well for some months into this second marriage, but hell was let loose when Magi, as she was fondly called by her new husband, could no longer bear the cruel treatment she was receiving every other day.
Having done everything to satisfy her husband as a responsible wife, all she got in return were repeated slaps, abusive slangs and demeaning terms such as “you this good for nothing woman”, “ïmported monkey”, “Ïtalian Gorilla” coupled with punches as if she was a punching bag. As if that was not enough, on trivial issues, he would insult her before friends, children and relatives.
However, on this fateful day, things took a bad turn and Tony beat Magi his wife to the point of death. He was arrested and charged to court for attempted murder and has since then been cooling his feet in jail.
Abuse is said to happen when one of the partners in a marriage is treated in a cruel or violent way. No one expects his or her marriage to turn ugly, but the reality is that it does for many, and to the extent that it even becomes fatal. Spousal or domestic abuse can go beyond sexual or physical abuse to a much more subtle form, known as verbal abuse.
Those who have experienced marital abuse say it is the worst form of abuse because it leaves behind no physical scar, yet manages to scar an individual’s mind or soul.
For years now, abuse in marriage is thought to be a gender issue, with perpetrators being men and the victim, women. Although, the ratio of women being battered verbally and otherwise is always higher, but men too sometimes are being victimised.
To have a full and clear definition Strictly Femail sought the opinion of profesionals and religious leaders on the extent a woman should endure abuse in any form. Excerpts:
Professor Olusoga Olopade, former Dean, Faculty of Law, Lead City University: There is a limit to which a wife should endure abuse in a marriage. If a man slaps his wife, pours oil on her or brings into contact with her body any object of force or liquid, this is a wrong doing that can make a competent court to order that she should be compensated in form of damages. If a physical abuse is violent, it is not something that should be endured by the woman. It is a crime or an offence for which the husband will be culpable. A woman should not condone it, but should report to the police for possible prosecution. On no account should a wife be turned to a beast that can be injured or harmed at will.
When it comes to verbal abuse, a woman should be able to endure to some extent, because it does not add or remove anything from one’s body. Verbal abuse is usually done in the heat of passion when a person is not able to control his anger. Unless the spoken words are vulgar, irritating and unbearable, a woman in marriage should be able to maintain her calm.
Dr Sunday Adewole, Mount Olives Medical Centre: In a situation where abuse is not an occassional event but has become the norm, the reasonable option is to seek an end to this abuse. Sometimes, the perpetrator of this act has a kind of psychiatric condition, which may be depression or sehizophrenia. In that case, he will need to visit a psychiatrist or his condition may deteriorate to the point that a permanent damage could be done or even death or homicide may result from there.
On the other hand, the victim herself could switch over to psychotic state, where she actually derives satisfaction from the victim status or the attention and pity she gets after each episode and begins to intentionally provoke the abuse.
Separation or divorce is only a last resort after all these measures must have failed to yield the desired result.
Pastor Tolu Aladesanmi, Global Harvest Church: Here, the woman’s physical well-being is in danger. In extreme cases, the woman’s life may be threatened. Men who abuse their wives physically and verbally have emotional disorder and need help to get out of it.
Some men have intentionally and unintentionally killed their wives. Physical abuse has resulted in miscarriages, damage to a part of the body and outright loss of life. In cases of psychological and physical abuse, the abused woman should pray about it, cry for help, never keep it to herself, even if the man rolls on the floor begging her not to, and most likely seek good and godly counsel. Also, sometimes, women need to change certain things such as; watching what they say or do to trigger the outburst from the abusive husband.
Alhaji Saliu Gbadamosi, Cleric:The Islamic religion discourages this beastial attitude.
According to Islam, every human being is equal. The wife is important and should be honoured as much as possible. It also negates the fact that, the husband should oppress his wife, rather, he should take very good care of her.
Prophet Muhammed said; the best among you is he who is kind to his wife’’. Though, there is room for discipline, but it should come as the last option; the prophet also said, “the man that is most powerful, is not one who conquer in a wrestle but he who can conquer his anger”
“A man can get angry but not to the extent of oppressing his wife: However, if the first and the last step the Quaran stated to be taken in the case of psychological or physical abuse in marriage have been taken, and there is no improvement, then, the woman should seek a divorce. Although, this is one of the permissive conditions in Islam, yet, it is detestable in the sight of Allah”. Divorce is only acceptable, if there is a threat to life.’’
